“And the class of '57 had its dreams,
But living life day to day is never like it seems.
Things get complicated when you get past eighteen,
But the class of '57 had its dreams.”
The Statler Brothers - The Class of '57
OK, so I’m not old enough to have been a member of The Class of ’57, but since there have been no great songs ever written about the class of ’81, I think you get the point. Been reflecting on some stuff a lot lately, and hearing this song the other day made me kind of focus on it even more.
When I quit high school in the summer of 1980, at the end of my junior year, I had only one plan. Join the Army, learn a trade, and maybe see a bit of the world. I was living in a boom town gone bust, and joining the Army seemed like a way to get away from that, maybe make a better life for my own self. See what’s out on the distant horizon.
Thirty years and change down the road. An Army career that was about five years too short, to where I could secure that monthly retirement check and have the medical care for the rest of my life. I loved being a soldier, but for many reasons could never reach that Staff Sergeant level that would have allowed me to stay for 20 and retire. No, instead, I get shown the door at 15 years, which in many ways made me feel like a complete failure. Failure for myself, failure in the eyes of my wife and daughter.
I had an up and coming career in the Civil Service that I intentionally left, for reasons of loathing with the system, and for love. Disgust for a system that rewarded mediocrity while at the same time did nothing to make me want to stay. I also had to leave because if I had decided to stay on the path I was on, my ex-wife would have done everything in her power to delay our divorce and make me suffer.
A first marriage to a woman who I loved, but eventually felt trapped in a marriage to. That feeling of losing some of my manhood, having grown accustomed to being utterly manipulated and in some ways controlled by her will. Hen pecked, pussy whipped, whatever phrase you wish to use, that was me. Finally finding the courage to leave her, but making a lot of mistakes in the process that have cost me dearly, both emotionally and definitely financially. Alienating a daughter who means the world to me, and spending a lot of time trying to heal her wounds that resulted from the separation and divorce.
This takes us to where I am now. Four and a half years working in a job that I loved at first, but over the past year has led me to hate. Leadership in name only, from the CEO level down to individual supervisors. If I was a real prick, I could rob the company absolutely blind, but I do have a smidgen of integrity left.
Issues from my past coming home to roost lately, consequences for shit that I have done and left undone.
Married to a woman I love dearly, but who I am beginning to believe barely tolerates me. Although we have been married for over 18 months, we have only spent about 11 of those months actually physically together. This was due to family problems in the Philippines as well as health problems for my wife. She has been sick a lot since moving to Guam, and is sick right now. Granted, I have not been the best husband in the world. Far from it. I have my share of blame in all of it as well, and I don’t want it to sound like she is the reason our marriage is a little rough. No, we both have contributed to the shakiness of our marriage, me definitely more than her.
A daughter who I love dearly, but for financial reasons, have not been able to spend any time with in the last 4 ½ years. A son-in-law that I have never met. A grand daughter who I would love to spend hours playing with and hanging out with that I have never been around, and probably won’t be able to be around for a while longer.
Granted, there have been some good things. In fact, a lot of them. I had the opportunity to help raise a wonderful daughter, and, more importantly, a good person, who I love more than my own life. She’s an amazing person, an awesome mother, and just fun to hang around with.
Seen more of the world than I ever thought I would. Camped out in Bavaria. Walked on the Great Wall of China. Ate crunchy pig skin in the middle of a rice field in the Philippines. Rode the Bullet Train and got falling down drunk in karaoke bars in Japan. Spent years living in Korea and Germany, becoming intimately familiar with both of those countries. I’ve been all over the world, and have definitely “stomped the terra” in more places than I can remember.
Yeah, like Joe Walsh said, “I can’t complain but sometimes I still do, life’s been good to me so far.” Still, with that said, I can’t help but wonder if it couldn’t have been different, been better.
Makes a brotha think sometimes.
